Month: November 2023

Last week, while sitting at my desk, I heard a knock at the door. The building where I work houses various projects, fostering occasional visits from colleagues. However, my desk faces away from the door, making it impossible for me to identify the person knocking. After a quick mental rundown of possibilities, I deduced that it was probably a colleague from the floor below on his customary Friday afternoon visit. He enjoys tempting me with doughnuts

In response, I often feign awareness of my eating choices, politely declining his offer, only to eventually succumb to the temptation. Our interactions haven’t quite reached the level of ritual, but they occur frequently enough that I anticipated the impending standoff as I swivelled in my chair to greet him. To my surprise, it was someone else.

Prejudice:
This incident serves to underscore a personal realization—I am inherently prejudiced. While the term “prejudice” may typically evoke thoughts of discriminatory behaviour, here, I use it in its simplest form: to pre-judge or make assumptions based on past experiences (1).

Human brains are wired to ensure survival, using past information to inform future decisions. Our experiences with people, places, and things shape our perceptions and decision-making processes (2). However, it’s crucial to recognize that our individual experiences make us uniquely predisposed to certain assumptions, and staying mindful of this fact can be challenging in the moment.

Unconscious Judgement:
Reflecting on a recent incident with my daughter reinforces the idea of unconscious judgment. While picking up her younger brothers from nursery, she suddenly panicked about crossing the road. Despite knowing the road was clear, I found myself frustrated for a couple of reasons: firstly, I was in a hurry, and her anxiety felt disruptive; secondly, I expected her to trust my judgment implicitly. This situation illustrates how my reaction was influenced by my own agenda and assumptions about her thoughts regarding me as a father (3).

Here, we see that our reactions are often informed by our personal agendas and assumptions, making it crucial for counsellors to be aware of their prejudices. Differences between counsellors and clients are inevitable, and acknowledging and understanding these differences is crucial to ensuring that the empathic process is not hindered (4).

Implications for Counselling:
Counsellors should enter the therapeutic process recognizing that they are as much a part of it as the client (5). Being aware of differences and pre-empting potential prejudices arising from these differences allows for a more effective therapeutic process (6). While it might be tempting to believe that counsellors should enter the process devoid of prejudices, this is both unrealistic and potentially counterproductive (7).

In the realm of person-centred and psychodynamic approaches, practitioners argue that a self-rejecting or self-punishing therapist who denies their own prejudices risks perpetuating a charade that clients can sense. Psychodynamic therapy, in particular, thrives on the counsellor’s acknowledgment of their interaction with the client, prejudices included, making it an effective therapeutic tool (8).

The Way Forward:
In my counselling work, I accept that I am an integral part of the process, and being aware of the differences between myself and my clients is essential. By acknowledging and accepting these differences, I can better navigate and dispense with any prejudices that may arise. It’s important to recognize that prejudices are natural, and denying them would be denying our humanity (9). Instead, embracing self-acceptance is just as vital as self-awareness in facilitating the counsellor’s role effectively (10).

In conclusion, the acknowledgment and understanding of prejudices in counselling are imperative for a successful therapeutic process. Accepting our limitations as human beings allows for more effective facilitation of the counsellor’s role and fosters a healthier therapeutic relationship (11).

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References:

1. Owen, I. R., & Rutter, D. R. (2022). Prejudice, stereotyping, and discrimination: Theoretical and empirical overview. Oxford Research Encyclopedia of Psychology.
2. Corey, G., Corey, M. S., & Corey, C. (2014). Issues and ethics in the helping professions. Cengage Learning.
3. Cooper, M. (2008). Essential research findings in counselling and psychotherapy: The facts are friendly. SAGE Publications.
4. Corey, G., Corey, M. S., & Corey, C. (2014). Issues and ethics in the helping professions. Cengage Learning.
5. Bager-Charleson, S. (2010). Reflective practice in counselling and psychotherapy. SAGE Publications.
6. Cooper, M. (2008). Essential research findings in counselling and psychotherapy: The facts are friendly. SAGE Publications.
7. Corey, G., Corey, M. S., & Corey, C. (2014). Issues and ethics in the helping professions. Cengage Learning.
8. Corey, G., Corey, M. S., & Corey, C. (2014). Issues and ethics in the helping professions. Cengage Learning.
9. Corey, G., Corey, M. S., & Corey, C. (2014). Issues and ethics in the helping professions. Cengage Learning.
10. Bager-Charleson, S. (2010). Reflective practice in counselling and psychotherapy. SAGE Publications.

Navigating the Social Media Landscape: Balancing Connection and Authenticity
In the early 2000s, platforms like Myspace and Friends Reunited introduced us to a novel concept – reconnecting with old friends and acquaintances online. Fast forward to today, and social media has seamlessly woven itself into the fabric of our lives, shaping a global culture unlike anything seen before.

The Appeal and Pitfalls
Initially, the appeal of these platforms was clear. The ability to see how old school friends were faring and stay connected with family members across the globe was ground-breaking. However, my personal experience with social media has led me to approach it with trepidation. It raises a question: why, despite having the autonomy to disengage, does it consume my time and emotional energy?

Biological Conditioning and Locus of Evaluation
This phenomenon, I believe, stems from our biological conditioning. The need for acceptance, crucial for survival in our ancestors’ world, manifests today as an innate desire to be liked. Carl Rogers’ concept of the “locus of evaluation” comes to mind. Are our feelings of validation predominantly internal, or do we rely on external sources for affirmation? In the age of social media, the latter often holds true.

The Evolutionary Quirk

While an external locus of evaluation might have been advantageous for our ancestors, it raises questions about its utility in our contemporary world. The constant need for approval finds its way into marketing strategies and the design of social media platforms themselves, playing on our instinctive desire for acceptance.

The Stress of Virtual Approval
The advent of social media has resulted in unprecedented levels of hormonal responses, not dissimilar to those of our ancestors facing immediate threats. The desire for acceptance triggers dopamine responses, while rejection prompts cortisol reactions, contributing to stress levels. The world has changed significantly, but our biology remains rooted in survival instincts.

The Perils of External Validation
Donald Winnicott’s concept of the false self becomes relevant in this context. When we excessively associate with an idealized projection of ourselves, whether in advertising or social media, our true selves are shielded from insults or offense. The external locus of evaluation, when disproportionate, can lead to a perilous reliance on external validation.

Navigating the Social Media Terrain
So, how do we navigate the landscape of social media effectively? Perhaps the guidance starts with recognizing its value and leveraging its benefits while understanding that our online presence is an idealized projection. Acknowledging our uniqueness and imperfections, both online and offline, may be the key to finding true value in the virtual and real worlds alike.

Conclusion: Embracing Authenticity
In the poem ‘If’ by Rudyard Kipling, and in the wisdom of Public Enemy, we find counsel in treating triumph and disaster with equanimity and not believing the hype. As we engage with social media, let’s strive for authenticity amid the virtual idealization. Embracing our imperfections can be a powerful antidote to the stressors of external validation.

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“Soil that’s dirty grows countless things; water that’s too pure has no fish,” as Hong Zicheng wisely stated. This metaphor, while possibly offering practical advice on aquatics, struck me with its broader implications this morning during my children’s swimming lessons.

While chatting with another parent by the pool, my two other children were happily running around. The parent empathized, acknowledging the challenge of managing them all with patience and care. This led me to ponder the expectations placed on parents and whether projecting ourselves into the world amplifies social pressure to conform to an unattainable standard.

There was a time, not long ago, when our self-perception derived from a more close-knit social group – perhaps a village or a subcultural community with shared standards. Today, our lives are more public, the village is global, and people we’ll never meet can comment on our lives. The visibility of falling short and the impact on our behaviour are worth considering.

Reflecting on a group of well-behaved young people celebrating a 21st birthday in London, I admired their maturity. Yet, it made me uneasy. Recalling my own experiences at that age, I realized the waiter would have preferred serving them over my friends and me two decades ago. Our exuberance was louder, we got drunker, and we wouldn’t have held it together as well. We were carefree, oblivious to the fact that our night out might be publicized on the internet.

Getting it wrong is a constant in my day. I often fall short of my expectations and those of others. Today was a case in point. Managing three young kids with kindness and patience requires a level I don’t always possess. Just before bedtime, my 19-month-old son and I had a disagreement – he won. My unrealistic expectations led to a disproportionate emotional reaction. His honest response prompted my six-year-old daughter’s advice and my subsequent apology.

It’s okay to get it wrong; that’s the message from Donald Winnicott and Heinz Kohut. The ‘Good Enough Mother’ theory acknowledges that perfection isn’t necessary. Imperfect parenting allows the child to draw on previous experiences, fostering self-sufficiency. Kohut’s Self Psychology emphasizes that falling short provides opportunities for internal growth.

An imperfect world is beautiful, and considering the fundamentally flawed nature of humanity, we should fit right in.

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Hi there!

This marks my inaugural post, and honestly, I’m not entirely sure where this journey will take us. The primary goal is to enhance my writing skills through consistent posting, but it begs the question: Who is the intended audience for this blog? Is it for the benefit of readers, real or perceived, or is it more about my own growth as a writer?
I grapple with the idea that writing may require a clear purpose or if its meaning is derived from the consequences of its existence. While I like to believe I’m not overly invested in the outcomes, the reality is, my time and effort are valuable resources. The immediate gains are the developmental strides in my writing skills, which is fine by me. The material outcomes, let’s face it, might be minimal in the short term.

Yet, there’s an allure to the discipline demanded by this endeavour. I aspire to become a better writer, adept at exploring ideas, and skilled at connecting with readers. That, I believe, is the essence of this undertaking. Paying attention to the quality of the work is an effort, but I want to challenge myself.

So, I’ll strive to make it read well, sound good, and evoke emotions. I’ll provide opportunities for readers to explore further through links. If just one person derives an idea from this, sparking something new, then this effort is undoubtedly worthwhile. I might never know who that person is or the outcomes, but therein lies the intrigue.

I hope what I write speaks as effectively to the everyday person as it does to someone on a construction site. I aim for utility, knowing that in being useful to others, it becomes valuable to me.
Opting for content quality over broad reach is challenging, as it requires ignoring the cost-to-benefit ratio. The temptation to simplify messages for a broader audience is real; it’s more lucrative. This trend isn’t new – Neil Postman discussed it in ‘Amusing Ourselves to Death’ (1985). The book illustrates how information delivery shifted from detailed oral communication to condensed print, leading to a decline in attention spans. This trend has continued with various media forms, exacerbating the population’s ability to concentrate.

Full disclosure, I’m not exempt from this pattern. I, too, find comfort on the sofa, consuming bite-sized content disguised as reality TV. The ease of absorption, however, doesn’t equate to love for it. There’s a part of me that yearns for more active pursuits, yet my behaviour persists. Technology advances, communication evolves, and we find ourselves passively engaging even in personal relationships through social media.

The irony of writing this instead of engaging in a lengthy, in-person conversation is not lost on me. I’m not advocating for abandoning the written word. Instead, I aim to resist the temptation to write for mass appeal. I want to say something true and worth sharing, with a quality that reflects my best ability.

So, who is this for, again? I know it’s for me, the writer, but I hope it’s for you, the reader, too. If you’ve made it this far, perhaps you’ll go a little further. Along the way, we might find meaning in what’s happening now, even if it doesn’t quite know what it is yet.

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